i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
