I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
