i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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