I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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