I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
