she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
