"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
