If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
