You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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