my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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