the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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