Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
