I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
