hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
