I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
