Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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