I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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