listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
