Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
