i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
