Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
