Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
