My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I think a kid would responsible me up
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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