you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
