And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
