Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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