i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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