My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
