i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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