I just cut my nipple shaving
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
