he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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