Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
