I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
