I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Everyone says I win the strip club
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
