I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
