He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
