You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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