I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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