I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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