I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
