You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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