naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I queefed so loud it echoed.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Of course I have a pirate flag
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
