I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
