My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I just want nice things and good sex
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
