fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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