Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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