she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
