oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
