You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
