She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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