your parents love me but you hate me
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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